Friday, May 30, 2014

The Morel of the Story

I was dusting my room and heard Coco talking to someone. I looked over at her, but she was just staring at the wall, alone. I shrugged and kept cleaning. After a few minutes, I noticed that Coco was really getting into her conversation.

"Yeaaaah! Hahaha! This is so fun!!! Gimme that. Oooo...this tastes like grapes." She giggled uncontrollably.

I walked closer, "Who are you talking to, Cokes?" 
She ignored me and kept laughing. I looked in her food dish and found two morel mushrooms...and a few that weren't morels with bites taken out of them. "Umm...Coco, did you go foraging today?"

She broke her conversation but continued staring at the wall, "Yes I did, Mama. I'm still foraging right now. Can't you see I'm in the forest with Louie?"

"Coco, isn't Louie that squirrel you hate? And you're in the house. What forest?...Coco, I think you ate some magic mushrooms."

She relaxed. "I'll be home soon. I just pushed Louie in the river and he can't swim."

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Feeling a Little Flat

Since the warmer weather has been upon us, I've been riding my bike as much as possible. From the grocery store to the bakery, all I need are my two wheels.

Lately, I've noticed that my bike tires have gone flat very quickly. I mean...very quickly. 
I'd pump them before each ride, the pressure would keep throughout the day and in the evening, I would bring my bike back inside the house and call it a day. Strangely, the following morning, both tires would be without air.

I checked each one. No holes.

Perplexed, I asked Coco what she thought the problem might be, given she has a history with tires. She claimed she knew nothing of it. I shrugged and gave her a kiss on her fluffy head.

The next morning I awoke much earlier than usual and saw that Coco was not in her cage. I went downstairs to make some coffee and heard a noise in the corner of the room near my bike. Caught red pawed! 

I yelled, "Coco! What are you doing, girl???"

She replied calmly, "What the hell does it look like I'm doing? I'm letting the air out of your tires."

"But why?" I said frowning at her. "You know that just makes more work for me."

She stared. "Because you don't deserve to have fun."

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Advanced Reading

Over the past month I've been reading Coco bedtime stories. My goal is to show her that there is more to life than booze and mischief. I've spouted off plenty of the classics, short stories, and even dissected poems-- anything to expand her clever little mind.

But for some reason, no matter what I chose, Coco seemed disinterested. After a month of nightly reading I had finally had enough.

"Listen Coco, I've tried to elevate you to a new level of intelligence. I think you have some real potential!"

She yawned, "These books are garbage. I'd rather be drunk and setting off fireworks."

I shook my head. "Ok, how about this. I will let you go online and order a few books you think are interesting, and I will read those to you. How does that sound?"

She kicked The Great Gatsby off the couch and tore out a mouthful of pages from my original copy of The Catcher in the Rye. "Sound like a plan, sucka."

When the surprisingly large package of books arrived, Coco said that she wanted to read to me this time. She laid one of the books down and flipped to the first page, "I dedicate this book to you, Mama." I smiled, and she continued.

"Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society...I call this story the Night of the Living Dummy."

I looked into the box and pulled out a receipt with my credit card information printed across the bottom. Coco had spent $239.99 on the entire R.L. Stein's Goosebumps collection. 

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Weekend Goodbye

I'm leaving today for a weekend trip to New York. Coco has been a little grouch all morning. She hates when I leave because, she says I am her only "trustworthy servant." 
I kissed her one million times and said that I'm not her servant, I'm her mother and pretty much her only friend. 

She told me she was going to sit by the window and wave goodbye to me as I walked to the bus station.

Sure enough, when I packed my bags and locked up the house, I got to the sidewalk and looked up to the window. Coco was there waving. 

I yelled up to her, "I miss you already my baby!"
She yelled something back, but I couldn't quite make out the words. 
"What was that girly?"

She yelled back, louder this time, "I'm going to pee all over this room and drop the biggest dump in one of your shoes. See you when you get back!"

I shook my head and walked to the bus.

Friday, May 23, 2014

Coco the Giant

On Fridays, Coco wakes up at around 9:30am and gets the party started so to speak. "You can't get day drunk if you don't start early!"

Coco told me that she admires very few people in this world, but she does have one man that she looks up to the most. That man is Andre the Giant.

"How can I live up to Andre's reputation? He drank 7,000 calories worth of booze every day. Just alcohol!!! He's my hero!"

I took away her empty bottle of Bailey's. "Coco, I don't think it would be physically possible for you to drink even 500 calories of booze without passing out. It's not in the cards for you, baby."

She cracked open a new bottle and chugged it. "Never doubt me. I can do anything. I'm invincible!!!"

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Something Squirrely This Way Comes

I told Coco that she should seriously consider doing yoga, because the stretching might help with her hangovers, her overall mood and her recent bout of paranoia.

Coco is under the impression there is a squirrel named Louie, living somewhere near our house, that keeps messing with her. I have not yet seen this elusive Louie, but I told Coco that I would keep my eyes peeled.

After a week of yoga, Coco was happy to show me her new found nimbleness. She also took this as the perfect opportunity to show me some of Louie's psychotic behavior.

Coco bent over and stretched, pointing to a little nugget. "That lunatic cut a hole in my screen and planted a piece of poop on my clean towel!"

I leaned in close. "I don't know Coco...that looks an awful lot like it came from you."

"Don't question me, fool. I know Louie's filth when I see it...I have a guy coming by later today to install an electric fence around the perimeter of the window and to electrify the roof."

I gave Coco an Eskimo kiss, "Ok girly, that's not happening. We're renting this place, I don't think heavy modifications are allowed."

Coco smacked me. "It's done. Louie's as good as dead." 

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Breakfast Blackout

Coco had a rough day, drunkenly throwing eggs off our front porch trying to hit runners training for a local 5k. Before bed, my dizzy little bun asked that I make her favorite breakfast in the morning.

So that's just what I did. I used fresh ingredients and made the fluffiest carrot cake pancakes in the world. I squeezed fresh orange juice (and added vodka), warmed up the richest maple syrup (and added burbon), and stacked cakes nice and high on a plate for my girl.

Before her hangover could even begin, Coco poured all the syrup, devoured every pancake and chugged the OJ in about 7 minutes. Not long after, as she licked the last of the syrup from her lips, a dazed look came over her face. 

"Uh muh guh." 

I scooped her up and laid her down. "Did you eat too fast, girly?"

As Coco surrendered to the inevitable pancake coma she mumbled, "Your food is crap."

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

The Addiction

Coco's been chewing on a lot of straw over the past few days. 
"Girl! You look like a regular country bumpkin! What's with all the chewin'?"

She shot me a wicked look, "Can it, woman! My nerves are shot to hell."

I asked what in the world she has to be so stressed about, and Coco divulged that she's been a closet smoker for the past six years. I was actually pretty impressed when she told me, because I've never smelled a single puff of smoke on her breath.

She broke down. "Jimmy over at the club told me quittin' would be a piece of cake, but that hypocrite smokes two racks a day!" 

"Coco, I didn't realize you were struggling with cigarette addiction. I want to help you, my baby. Did you say racks?...don't you mean packs?"

She gave me a puzzled look, "Not cigarettes you goon, I smoke meats! Racks of ribs, sausage, bacon, whole pigs. Last night I soaked my paws in BBQ sauce just to get through the cravings." 

I sighed, "So that's what those sticky paw prints are from." 

Monday, May 19, 2014

Festival Fur

I stepped out to grab the mail today and found Coco sitting on the front step. She was wearing her new shades and sipping on some bourbon. 

"Go back inside. I'm waiting for my ride."

I sat down next to Coco and told her to give me the scoop. She explained that she met some college bros a few weeks back when she was bootlegging tank tops outside a Dave Matthews concert. She pinned them as easy targets, considering they bought most of her merch, so phone numbers were exchanged.

"And just where do you think you're going with these people?"

She lowered her shades, "If you must know, we're going to a music festival in Baltimore. The guys are hooking me up with a folding chair so I can set it up and charge the stoner glowstick kids $5 each to pet me."

I rubbed her ears. "So let me make sure I'm hearing you correctly. You're going to Maryland to have high people pet you for money?"

She nodded. "Yep. The higher they get, the better. Apparently people on ecstasy love touching things."

A car pulled up. "Listen, I gotta go. I told them I'd pay for the booze with my earnings, but you and I both know that's not happening. Like I always say, 'Morons make my world go 'round.'"

Saturday, May 17, 2014

Apple Pickin'

I've been trying to teach Coco the value of sharing. Until now she's sort of had a "what's mine is mine" attitude about life. To begin these early lessons, I've been sharing my fruit with her. I take a bite of banana, Coco gets a little piece. I eat a purple grape, Coco gets one. She's really loving fruit! 

Early today Coco was eating a Granny Smith and said, "Do you want a bite of my apple?"
I kissed her head, "Coco! I'm so proud of you. Such a considerate little lady you are! Of course I'll have a bite."

I handed the fruit back to Coco. "Thank you Cokes, where did you get such a delicious apple?"

She took a bite. "The garbage."

Friday, May 16, 2014

A Remote Issue

Yesterday evening, Coco was sloshed on J├Ąger, when she realized she was running low. She hopped down our front steps toward the street to find a neighborhood kid, 6-year-old Timmy O'Houlihan, playing with his remote controlled Jeep. 

I was sitting on the front porch reading a book, so unfortunately I didn't see Coco venture down the sidewalk, but Timmy's mother gave me an earful after the incident.

Apparently, Coco approached Timmy and said, "Hey Timmy...nice wheels."
Timmy said, "Thanks bunny. My mom got it for my birthday. I'm 6."
Coco replied, "Ah yes, very nice Timmy....very nice...happy birthday. Say Timmy, you wouldn't mind if I borrowed it, would you?"
Timmy scrunched his face, "No bunny. You smell bad."
He had a point, as Coco reeked of black licorice. 

Coco looked to see if Mrs. O'Houlihan was in sight, then jump-kicked Timmy straight to the chest and grabbed the remote. Timmy dropped like a bag of wet towels, and Coco hopped in the Jeep.

Once I heard Timmy crying, I jumped up to see Coco awkwardly cruising down the sidewalk in the Jeep, intermittently gaining about four feet of distance before crashing into the retaining wall. 

I ran down the stairs, scooped Coco out of the Jeep and took her over to the O'Houlihan residence so that she could apologize to young Timmy. Instead of apologizing Coco simply said, "Timmy, the liquor store closes in 15 minutes. You're dead to me."

Thursday, May 15, 2014

The Etsy Bitsy Bunny

Coco knows I've been stressing about money lately, so this morning she licked my hand and offered to give me a loan.

I stopped, "Wait a can you give me a loan? You don't have any money!"
She pulled away, "Well...there's something I've been meaning to tell you..."
" pissed am I going to be after hearing this?"

She started laughing, "Not that pissed?"
I told her to come clean or I would lower the window blinds.
"Ok, ok!" she said, "I have a store on Etsy."

My mouth dropped open. "A STORE on Etsy!? What are you selling!?"
She smiled, "I've sold 30 homemade Stonehenge models to 30 idiots. It's amazing what you can get away with when you market something as DIY, organic, biodegradable and homeopathic."

Coco was now giggling uncontrollably. 
I scolded her, "Coco, it's not nice to take advantage of people. And wait, aren't those your Timothy Hay cubes?"

The giggling grew louder, "So how about that loan? Hahahahhaha!"

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Little Secrets

On beautiful afternoons, Coco and I like to sit outside and have girl talk. We dish about boys and nail polish and share secrets ...there is never a shortage of dialogue.
Today Coco was a bit quiet, looking especially deep in thought. I could tell there was something bigger she might want to discuss.

"Hey girl, anything on your mind?" 
She sighed, "Oh, no not really...I mean, it's not a big deal. It's just..."
I rubbed her hip. "Remember Cokes, you can tell me anything. I'll never judge you."
"You're right. But I want to whisper it to you."
I leaned in close and brushed my nose against her cheek. "Ok girl, what is it?"
Coco nuzzled back and whispered, "I shit myself." 

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Job Trouble

Coco's had some trouble holding down a job recently.
Over the past two months, she's been "let go" from multiple part-time positions.

1. Greeter at Walmart: Found drunk, riding around on an electric shopping cart  - FIRED

2. Jelly Donut Filler: Purposely filled donuts with ketchup - FIRED
3. Living Garden Gnome (Craigslist post): Forgot her hat and pants; also drunk - FIRED
4. Fortune Cookie Writer: All fortunes predicted death and sorrow - FIRED
5. Candy Store Clerk: Found sleeping in a bin of gumballs, drunk - FIRED

Coco was supposed to start her new job today, so I was surprised to find her passed out on the windowsill. 

"Coco wake up! You slept through your alarm!"
She opened one eye, "Actually... I didn't. The job started yesterday."


Monday, May 12, 2014

Out for a Stroll

I bought Coco a harness/leash set to encourage her to spend a little more time outside. She fought me on the idea because she claims, "exercise is for losers." In any case, I told her if she agreed to go for a walk, we could stop for a few Bloody Marys on the way home. I bent down to tie my shoes and stood up to find that Coco had already put the leash on herself.

While outside taking a breather, a woman walked by pushing a stroller. 
She stopped and bent down toward Coco, "Oh my! Is this your puppy? Hellooo!!!!"

*Note: on multiple occasions people have asked if Coco is a dog. This immediately sends her into a blind rage.*

I could hear Coco grinding her teeth. "I'm a rabbit you friggin' idiot. Oh, wait! Is that your baby? Or did you give birth to the second coming of the Michelin Man? I had no idea people pushed marshmallows around in strollers. You're a real winner. Who's your husband, the ugliest man in the world? No, no wait. He must be that walrus with the bucket!" 

The woman burst into tears and quickly pushed the stroller away.

Coco blew the woman raspberries and unleashed the most devious laugh I have ever heard.
I tugged on her leash and sighed, "Can I not take you anywhere?"
Coco regained her composure and said, "Hell yes, you can take me to the bar. You're buying."

Sunday, May 11, 2014

A Rich History

Every year on Mother's Day, Coco pops a few bottles of champagne and retells the story of her birth mother.

"She was a majestic creature, loved by everyone she met. Her shiny coat and flair for fashion got her noticed by my namesake on the streets of Paris, but she turned down a future with Chanel to live her dream-- traveling the world as a groupie for Harry Houdini's rabbit, my father."

I held Coco's paw, "I don't think those dates match up, Cokes...among other glaring impossibilities, Harry Houdini died in 1926."

Coco sipped the last of her champagne and hurled the flute against the wall, shattering the glass everywhere. "That's because my mother was friends with Merlin, the greatest wizard of all time. He cast a spell upon her and my father so that they could live forever."

I grabbed a broom. "Hmm...ok, that still doesn't make any sense. But suppose I believe you, how did you end up with me?"

"On the night I was born, my mother was visited by the flying dog from The Never Ending Story. She knew that I would be better off in the hands of a human, so Falcor flew me to a Petco in Ohio."

"Oh...that's right! I forgot that part of the story. You do know I'm not giving you another glass for that champagne."

She gazed beyond me, a look of pride shone on her face. "Bring me my sippy cup, Mama."

Happy Mother's Day

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Morning Song

Coco usually wakes up before me. So if I lie still enough when I first open my eyes, I can secretly observe her. Today I awoke to raindrops hitting the roof and Coco sitting on the windowsill staring out onto the street as usual. Except this time, I could see her lips moving. She was quietly singing a little song.

"It's raining, it's pouring...
the squirrels are drowning...
I'll get in my bed...
and they'll all be dead...
Oh what a lovely morning!"

Friday, May 9, 2014

The Slammer

Well, it finally happened. I had to bail Coco out of jail. Apparently a sales clerk in Target got suspicious when she saw Coco wearing an unseasonably bulky trench coat, pushing around a very tiny cart...with nothing in it.

When she casually approached Coco, a tube of lip gloss fell to the floor from an inside coat pocket. Coco hopped like hell for the exit, but was apprehended by security. 

When I posted bail to get her released, officials gave me a copy of the arrest report. Coco had managed to lift a value pack of sports deodorant, two individually wrapped frozen enchiladas, a tie dye bikini and a Ghostbusters DVD.

I was told they were initially willing to let her go based upon the total value of the stolen items, but Coco bit one of the security guards and spit on the other's shoe.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

The Change

My wallet went missing last week.

I got a call from the cops today, and it turns out officials were able to trace activity on my credit cards...back to my house. When I confronted Coco about it, she immediately denied involvement. Of course I didn't believe her, so after a little persuasion involving a new box of wine, she finally came clean about the down payment on Species Reassignment Surgery.

"It's only $10,000, you'll get over it... I need to be one of the beautiful people. Those Pomeranian jagoffs have it made."

                                          Before                                      After

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Bowled Over

I got home especially late this evening and heard Coco moaning very loudly upstairs. I grabbed a handful of parsley and ran up to her. When I entered my room, I found Coco lying in her cage, sandwiched between the wall and her empty food dish. 

"What's wrong girl?" I reached in to pet her head.
"I'm stuck."
"How long have you been stuck, my little fluff?"
She laid there motionless, "My entire life."
"Oh, come on, don't be so dramatic...wait, what's that smell ...peach schnapps?" 
"I was thirsty."
"Ok," I said "that's pretty typical, but why do you think you're stuck?"
"This bowl got the best of me. Been here for hours, maybe even days."

I reached in and gently nudged the bowl to her right. 
"See Cokes, you weren't trapped, you--" I stopped mid sentence.
She was already passed out.

Monday, May 5, 2014

Coco, That Was a Haiku

I stare at my poop
It just sits there like nothing
We are so alike


On quiet afternoons together, Coco and I love to watch Roseanne. Sometimes we get into heated discussions about which episode is best, whether or not it was smart to cut George Clooney from the cast, and which one of us more strongly wants to kick DJ's ass. But no matter how much we argue, Coco has a short list of non-negotiables that I truly cannot deny.

Aunt Jackie is the most underrated character in television history.
- Darleen is a personal hero, because she is dark and moody just like me.
- Old Becky may be a whiny freak with a bowl cut, but *new Becky* is a turd.
- No man is more man than Dan Conner.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Dear Diary

*I found Coco's very tiny diary. It's about 2x1 inches and full of very angry sentiments.*

Dear Diary,

My life sucks. This morning I realized I'm out of Michelob Ultras. On top of that, I only have one "friend" and he is a cat who I hate. He bites my ass, and I kick his. When will this misery end?


Saturday, May 3, 2014

Strike a Pose

On Friday, I walked in on Coco suggestively posing for pictures. A man I'd never seen before was behind the camera, cooing her compliments. 
I freaked out. "Who the hell are you!? Get out of my house immediately!"
He said, "Hey lady, I'm getting paid by the hour, here. I got about 15 minutes left."


Coco turned her head slowly and glared at me. "He told me he could make me famous that lady on the TV."
"Girly, he's just some creep trying to take advantage of you...wait, what lady on the TV?"

"Ellen...Anyway don't worry, I stole his wallet."

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Halloween Ideas

Coco and I both get really excited about Halloween. We like to get our costumes started well in advance, so I suggested we begin brainstorming. Coco had some interesting ideas for her costume this year.

1. A steak burrito 
2. A shipping tube
3. A Ninja Turtle (namely, Raphael because he has a bad attitude)

I told her it was a good start.

Oh, The Possibilities

This morning, I awoke to Coco in the middle of an acid flashback. Apparently the desert picture I hung above her cage was "disturbing" to her and she screamed, "Wait! We can't stop here...this is bat country."

After I settled her down (and after a dozen or so Michelob Ultras) Coco slipped into one of her "talkative" moods. Coco admitted that's she's always felt unfulfilled with her life. 
"I think I wanna pursue my dreams."
"Oh yeah girl, what do you wanna do?"
"I don't know...I've always wanted to sell ladies shoes. I think I'd be good at that."