Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Rough Day

"I've never been this hungover in my entire life. Somebody get me an IV and turn off the sun for the love of god!!"

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Hello Shirley!

Coco illegally downloads music and movies whenever possible. As far as I know she's filled four external hard drives. Oddly enough she has admitted to paying for two things. One is the 1995 hit "I'm Only Happy When It Rains" by Garbage and the other, "Requiem for a Dream"...her favorite comedy.

A Slave to the Bottle

A number of people have approached me recently suggesting that Coco may have a bit of a drinking problem. I suppose I've been somewhat naive over the past few years, so I decided to really think back to the early days. Such a sweet baby bunny from Athens, Ohio with a bright future and all the right influences at her disposal.

Then I stumbled upon this. Drunk since day one, apparently. After the first drop from that Mickey's 40oz touched her pea-sized tongue, it was game over.

Monday, April 28, 2014

Sugar High

Coco sometimes writes hate mail to Wilford Brimley. She said she's tired of people stopping her on the streets...asking about "diabetus." The resemblance is uncanny.

¡Ay, Caramba!

I was out of town for the weekend and left Coco with my roommate. When I returned and opened my laptop, I realized that Coco forgot to sign out of her Facebook account. It turns out she's been catfishing at least fifteen different men...a majority of them over the age of 40, living in Miami. Not only that, but she's been posing as a "19-year-old, busty Latina with an affinity for nail art who loves coconut rum."   

When I confronted her about her mischievous behavior, she said, "Bitches had it coming."

Nailed It

On Sunday afternoon, I found Coco sitting on the windowsill looking very contented. I said, "Well this is a sight for sore eyes! You seem really happy today, girl!" She said, "You know what...I am." I patted her on the head and told her to enjoy the day. 

When I left the house to run errands, a man frantically called out to me from across the street and asked to use my phone to call AAA. I asked what happened, and he said that he blew out all four tires because "some asshole" unloaded a box of nails at the front AND back of each wheel.

I knew in that moment the asshole was watching us from behind a screen. 

What's the Point?

Today I told Coco she should lie on the windowsill and enjoy the beautiful sunny morning. She said, "The sun brings people joy. I have no need for that."

The Runaway

Last week, I was riding my bike and found Coco at the bus stop a block from my house. There were a few empty airplane bottles of Jim Beam in the grass behind her and a crumpled paper bag by her foot. I stopped and asked her where she thought she was going. She said she was waiting for a bus to nowhere. After I got her inside the house I opened the paper bag and found two baby carrots and a mini golf pencil. 

She wouldn't speak to me the rest of the day.

Trash Day

I came home from work one day and found Coco sitting near my trash can. When I tried to put her back in her cage she said, "Leave me here. I am worth nothing." I told her that simply was not true and that I loved her more than anything. After I petted her she asked, "Can you go now? I want to bite these cords and electrocute myself."

The Dark Rabbit

Coco is depressed. She's always been that way and always will be. 
Sometimes her motto is: "Life is a highway...and I'm broken down at a shitty rest stop."
Other times it's: "Leave me alone."