Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Rabbit Unraveled

I've been under the weather for the past few days, while Coco has been in rare form. Partying for nights on end, blasting everything from Iron Maiden to Dolly Parton on a tiny boombox I picked up for her at the thrift store, and emptying enough bottles to stock a liquor store.

This afternoon I rolled off the couch and grabbed a handful of parsley to feed Coco something that wasn't liquid. When I walked in, Coco was half asleep and the window screen was ripped open. 

"What in the world is going on, Cokes? What happened to the screen?"

"Ease up, Ma. It's Devil's Night. I was out on the roof pranking the neighborhood, covering their pathetic yards with your last rolls of TP."

I shook my head. "Oh great, so there's no TP in the house? Thanks Coco. Appreciate it. Also, please note that Devil's Night takes place at night, and it's not for another month."

"Yeah well, it makes me happy to know that someone in this house is going to get caught on the toilet with no place to go," Coco laughed. "My work here is done. Bada bing, bada boom."

Her eyes began to close. "Every rose has it's thorn, just like every night has its dawn..."

I put her parsley on the table. "Are you singin' a little Poison, honey pie?"

"Just like every bunny sings a sad, sad song..."

"Sleep it off Coco." I said, reaching to lower the blinds. 

When I looked out the window, I saw that Coco had only TP'd the tree in our front yard.
I headed downstairs to grab a step ladder while Coco snored, surrounded by souvenirs. 

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Salon Paws

"This is by far, the worst spa treatment I have ever received in my life," Coco said as I wrapped her in a warm towel. 

We had just finished up her leg stretch and thigh massage session, and now it was time for a little warm relaxation.

"Girly, you've never been to a day spa that wasn't owned and operated by yours truly." 
I've been trying to make a habit of pampering Coco lately with daily coat brushing and back rubs.

"Shows what you know, idiot. Back in '93 I was employed at a little joint called 'Golden Fingers.' I found the gig thumbing through the want ads in the paper, and figured it was perfect for me considering their willingness to hire just about anyone. 'WE HIRE ANYONE' was the only description under the listing."

I let out a long sigh.

Coco kicked me from under the towel. "As I was saying, I showed up for the interview that never took place, and next thing you know they have me hopping back and forth on the backs of hairy business men, misting them with essential oils. I don't know, it all smelled like urine to me. But anyway, fortunately they had towels lain across their asses, because I had a tendency to slip through the cracks if you catch my drift."

It was useless to argue, and her eyes were beginning to close. "Wow Coco, why on earth did you ever leave such a fantastic job?" 

"Some fatso with a Micky D's franchise pinched my tail on his way out. The next time he came in for a massage, I bit his nipple clear off. Not surprisingly...I was given a warning. But then they caught me stealing money from the tip jar the following week, so I was fired."

"Well Cokes, you do have a pretty rough track record with staying employed, so this doesn't exactly surprise me. Anyway my darling, just relax and try to enjoy yourself. You deserve the pampering." I bent over and kissed her forehead.

"Doesn't this shit come with bottomless mimosas or something?" Coco said, her eyes still closed.

I laughed. "How could I be so unaccommodating? Coming right up, madame."

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Special Delivery

"Coco, I found something in the mailbox this morning that has you written all over it, literally."

I tossed a bulky envelope onto my bed where Coco happened to be sitting. She bent down and bit it. "Yep, that's mine alright. Damn it, I forgot the stamp."

"Hmm, well girly, this weighs a little too much for just one stamp. May I ask what's inside?"

Coco took a deep breath and exhaled. "I spent a full day eating bananas and drinking Jack Daniel's so that I could hand-select my largest pieces of poop. Some are wet and smelly and some are dry and hard like peppercorns. I would imagine there are close to 300 pieces inside that envelope, but I also included a handwritten note that reads, 'Eat my shit.'" 

"Coco, I am very proud of you for taking this kind of initiative. And though the letter was obviously never going to make it past our front door, your intentions were very good. I think this merits a toast, don't you?"

"Yes, mama. It does. I will allow you to have one shot of my liquor, but I get the rest of the bottle."

"Coco, you know what drinking too much whiskey does to your insides. I will not be happy to clean your litter box at the end of the day."

"Don't worry about that, we'll just use another envelope and try again."