"I swear to god if this bozo stands me up, I will burn this place to the ground."
Coco had gone on one date with Carlos, a sassy nail tech from the Lady's Day Salon, according to Coco, the first date had gone relatively well.
"He escorted me to dinner and took the liberty of ordering for the two of us, which I found sexist and piggish, but I let it slide. We each had a bottle of pinot noir followed by a carrot gazpacho garnished with crispy kale. It was cold, so I spit it out."
I sat near Coco and straightened up her towel. "But baby girl, gazpacho IS c--."
She interrupted me. "Are you done?"
"Yes," I said. "But ---"
"ARE you done?" she snapped.
"Yes. Please continue."
"After we crushed the vino, we split a Long Island Iced Tea…with two straws…VERY romantic, though I would have preferred he got his own. With that, we snacked on Brussels sprouts and olives that came in our extra spicy Bloody Marys. Then he made some rude comment about my lack of clothing and suggested I was under dressed. Asinine, right? I thought only rich people wore fur. Regardless, I was P-O'd and asked him to call me an Uber."
I looked at her, dumbstruck. "Coco, I thought you said your first date went well. This sounds like a nightmare. I really don't want you seeing him again."
"Listen, mom. He's a boozer, I'm a boozer. Anyway, I'm only insisting on a second date so I can go straight Pretty Woman on his ass. I am prepared--this dress probably maxed out my credit card at a hefty $2.00, but after all it is Dolce and Gabunny. Plus, it makes my rump look fuller than Kim K's. He'll be dazzled and I'll break the Internet and his bank account."
There was a knock at the door.
"That must be Carlos! Get my coat."
I shook my head, wrapped Coco in her shawl and carried her downstairs to the front door.