Monday, June 30, 2014

And Still Champion...

"Uhmuhguh. (belch) Ughhhh."

Coco sat hunched over in the corner of her cage, moaning and groaning.

"Honey pie! What's the matter? Are you not feeling well?" I moved in closer.

"BACK. THE HELL. UP!" Coco yelled.

"Ok, ok!" I put my hands up and took a few steps back. "Just tell me what I can do to help you."

She slowly lifted her head and peered at me from behind a fallen tuft of fur. 
"I entered a drinking competition against myself last night...and I won. I drank four glasses of red wine, a whiskey on the rocks, a Tequila Sunrise, three espresso shots to recharge, and finished up the evening with a solo case race." She breathed very heavily.

"Poor baby. I think that was waaay too much alcohol for you to drink." I reached out to lower the blinds. "Maybe a nap will help you feel better." 

Coco remained still. "Didn't you hear me? I said 'I won.' This is the greatest day of my entire life. Do me a solid and empty the contents from your favorite coffee mug, and bring it to me so I can throw up in it."

Friday, June 27, 2014

Not Thinkin' Bout Tomorrow

"I've decided what I want you to get me for my 8th birthday." Coco said as she sat on my bed.

"Oh really? What's that little girl? By the way, your birthday was months ago." I reached out to grab her little paw. "But I'll do anything to make you happy."

"Good." Coco smiled. "I want a blonde weave and a tiny, black leather fedora." 

I couldn't help myself from laughing. "Wow! I did NOT expect you to say that, Cokes. May I ask why?"

She was not amused by my amusement. "I don't want an all-over weave...just around my face. And you better stop laughing right now, or I'll bite your finger off."

"Ok, ok, sorry! I can definitely find a salon that will do your weave." I said. "The black leather fedora on the other hand, well, I'll find something on Etsy."

Coco stomped her foot. "The black fedora is crucial for my look. Don't screw this up."

One hour later I had found the teeny tiny, black leather hat that Coco wanted. "Coco, we're all set. By the way...why this sudden interest in a new look anyway?"

Coco licked her lips. "I want to look like my idol. He 'drinks whiskey out the bottle' and I can't think of anything cooler than that." 

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Low Down & Ugly

I held my head under the running water in the tub, scrubbing the excess dye from my scalp when I heard yelling.

"Coco is that you??"

I turned the water off and wrung out my hair, wrapping my head in a towel-type turban.

"Coco!...Can you hear me?"

Coco's wild yelling was now becoming clearer, as I discovered she was in fact singing.
That much I could definitely tell, but it was not until I stepped out of the tub, walked down the hall and opened my door, that the words made sense.


She was swaying back and forth, singing at the top of her lungs, with a Coronita in one paw and a rocks glass of Jack Daniels in the other.

"Coco! That's it, you're grounded! Getting plastered is one thing, but Garth Brooks??"

I reached in her cage and took the nearly empty beverages from her. "You're in time out, little girl. I don't want to hear another word outta you."

She kicked her litter across the cage. "You're as mean as a damn rattlesnake."

I turned around and shook my finger in her general direction. "Excuse me, I believe I said 'not another word.' I'll be back up here to check on you in a bit." 

Coco lowered her head. I turned again and as I closed the door, I heard her singing again quietly. I shook my head and started down the stairs.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

What a Wreck

"Ok, don't be mad," Coco said when I got into my car and found her chilling on the dashboard.

"Cokes, first of all why is my 'check tire' light on? No wait. I mean first of all, why are you in my car? And second, well, third why is there a $300 ticket on the drivers seat and a knife in the cup holder?"

Her eyes were glassed over and the car reeked of tequila. Two empty Patron bottles were laying on the floor mats.

"I needed to get out of the house for a while, so I took our car to the liquor store. But then
 I kinda lost control and sort of hit a parked cop car."

I gently squeezed each of her paws to make sure there was no damage. Thankfully she was fine. 

"Well, I'm glad you're not injured, baby girl. But that still doesn't explain the tire situation."

She burped and stretched her paws out onto the steering wheel. "Luckily I had the windows down, so when Officer Dumbo got out of his car, I hopped out through the passenger side and slashed the front tire with this knife I found. You know, to throw him off my scent."

"Coco. How could you think that would help anything? You just destroyed my car."

"Our car." Her eyes began to close.

"No girl, my car." I scooped her up and wrapped her in her towel. "I hope you know that you're going to have to pay me back for this, Coco." I pulled another ticket for the tow truck out from behind my windshield wiper. "For all of this."

She nuzzled up to me and licked under my chin. "Not a chance."

Monday, June 23, 2014

They Do Exist

"They're sending me messages...from up there."

Coco sat on my bed looking quite frazzled with a lime stuffed alien lying at her paws.

"Coco!" I said "Look at you! You're fur is standing on end! Did something bad happen to you?"

She refused to look away from the open window--a glass portal to the night sky.

"They tell me to do things," Coco said.

"What kinda things, baby girl?

"Earlier today, they told me to lick the electrical outlet. Yes, I was drunk, and perhaps they told me something different altogether...but I did it anyway. And it felt like hell."

I booped her nose. "Coco! That is awful! Please don't do that again, you got zapped! No wonder your fur looks so silly."

She continued to stare. "Then they told me to drink a fifth of whiskey...and throw all of your underwear into the neighbor's yard. So I did that too."

I opened my top drawer. It was empty. I sighed. "I'm afraid to see what they ask you to do next..."

"You certainly should be," Coco said. "You're going to wish you were never born."

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Laundry Day

My landlord finally replaced our old washing machine today. Yes! Victory! After a week and a half of not having one, I was excited to work down the piles of worn items. 

I carried two armfuls of blankets and towels out of the dryer and started folding. Everything smelled so nice! I put the towels away in the closet and came back to find Coco nestled into my warm, clean bedspread. 

"Well hello my sunshine! I bet that feels nice and cozy. I'm not sure how you got up there but thank you for saying hello." I bent down, rubbed the warm cloth against her cheeks and gave her a big Eskimo kiss.

She sat, unaffected. "It smells ok, I guess. Can we go to the movies later? I'm in the mood for popcorn, and that Channing Tatum guy is h.o.t."

I sighed. "Well Cokes, I'm going to have to find a place in Maryland. I'll do my best but it is your fault we've been banned from every movie theater in DC and Virginia."

She snapped back. "Hey! You know I don't go to the movies without my flask. And so what if I have a tendency to piss all over the seats. I didn't want to miss any of the good parts!"

"Yeah, but Coco...remember when you stole the usher's mini flashlight and bopped a small child over the head with it?"

"He wouldn't shut up. Plus, his laughter annoyed me."

"And the time you snuck into the projection room and made obscene paw puppets?"

"That movie sucked. I made it better."

"AND the time you bit that woman's neck during the vampire movie? I'm still paying for her hospital bills."

"I wanted to create a sense of realism," Coco said. "But yeah, I remember those times. Can't a girl enjoy herself at the damn cinema? Everyone just over reacted. I'll try to be better this time, but no guarantees."

"Ok, baby. I believe you. I'll call the AMC theater in Baltimore and find times for 22 Jump Street. I love you my little puffy."

She closed her eyes very tightly and shook her shoulders. A few moments later she opened her eyes and sighed. "Sounds good to me as long as you buy me a jumbo popcorn with extra butter. Also, you're gonna wanna wash this again. I have diarrhea."

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Paranoid Android

"Tell it just a dream?"

I sipped my morning coffee and popped a bookmark in my novel. "Is what just a dream, girly?" I leaned over and rubbed her velvet ear.

Last week, I purchased a pack of wheatgrass seeds from a nearby nursery. I read that the plant is not only very nutritious for humans, but also for bunnies. 

I repeated myself, "Coco, is what just a dream? You seem like you're on edge."

She looked around nervously, "I think the feds are onto me. They know I'm growing grass, and I can't get this song out of my head."

"Baby girl, the feds? It's wheatgrass, it's not illegal. Are you thinking of weed/grass?"

She chewed down a few blades. "Whatever. I think it's all the same. Plus, I'm high as hell."

I laughed. "Coco, I don't think you're high. You're probably just drunk, as usual."

"Oh yeah, I forgot. I'm hammered."

Monday, June 16, 2014

Blonde Ambition

Coco and I slept in late today. But when I did get out of bed, I was really excited to break open my new box of hair bleach! Sometimes we all need a change, and I thought a little blonde might bring out some new flavor for the upcoming summer months.

I grabbed a pair of latex gloves and a tiny mixing bowl and emptied the contents of my beauty supply purchase onto my desk. One problem: the mixes were empty. That's when I noticed the trail of bleach stained hardwood floor that lead to Coco's table. 

"Girly, can you please explain yourself?"

"Coco came out from her cage and hopped on top of it. She had a very luxurious streak of bleached blonde fur protruding from her head.

She yawned. "What do you want me to say? You fell asleep last night, and I decided to change up my look."

I tossed the used products into the garbage. "Well it might be nice to get an apology..."

She pulled her blonde lock forward. "Listen babe, I'm really sorry...I'm sorry that I look so good. Now if you could just get over it and pour me a Glenlivet on the rocks, I'd really love that."

I brushed her fur. "The ice machine is broken, baby."

"Neat then."

Friday, June 13, 2014

We All Make Sacrifices

I brought Coco her food this morning and went for a bike ride. When I returned home a few hours later, I went to give her kisses and saw that she had not eaten any of her breakfast.

I threw my purse on the floor and went over to her. "Baby girl! Why haven't you eaten anything today? You must be starving!"

Coco stood motionless, almost as if she were meditating. "This food is not for me. It's for the Celtic god, Sucellus. For he is the god of agriculture, forests and alcoholic drinks." She hiccuped.

I put a handful of hay into her cage. "How in the world do you know anything about Celtic gods? Are you drunk?...Wait a minute, why am I even asking?" I looked toward the floor and found two (large) empty bottles of unfiltered sake.

She hiccuped again. "You are so dumb. Now bring me some oil."

I petted her and held a carrot up to her lips. "What kind of oil, girly?"

She swatted at the carrot. "Extra virgin olive oil."

I rubbed her nose. "Oh good! Have you changed your mind? Do you want me to make you a little salad?"

"No damn it. Aren't you listening to me, jagoff? I'm leaving a damn offering for my god (hiccup). I read if you make a virgin sacrifice the gods are especially generous. So mine will be extra virgin."

I picked Coco up from the table and nuzzled my face into her fluffy cheek. "Baby! That's not the kind of virgin they're referring to! You are just the cutest!"

She licked my cheek. "Well, I was going to kill you tonight in your sleep, but you are a whore, so this is my only option."

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Jail Bunny

I was getting ready to meet a friend at happy hour yesterday, but I couldn't find my new bracelets. I was pretty bummed out, because I had just bought them a few weeks prior. I looked inside all of my purses, and I asked my roommates if they had borrowed them...but they were gone. 

I sat on my bed feeling distraught, when I heard Coco say, "Don't wait up for me tonight...I got a date."

I looked up and noticed that she had gotten gussied up for this particular outing...with my bracelets.

"Coco! You knew I was looking all over for those!"

She laughed, "So what? I look like a badass bitch. I wanted 'em, so I took 'em."

I furrowed my brow. "Woah woah, Coco. Why are you being so mean about it? You can borrow them. I just figured you would ask me first."

She stuck up her middle claw. "I don't ask for things. Now they're mine."

I realized in that moment that she had been listening the past few nights while I watched Orange is the New Black. 

"Ok, I'm sorry Coco. I don't want any trouble...they're yours. They look better on you anyway. Have fun on your date."

She smirked. "Damn right."

Monday, June 9, 2014

Russian Doll

Coco raised her Stoli vodka on the rocks, "Удачи!"
I raised my glass of ice water. "Excuse me?"

She drank the remaining half pint of clear alcohol and lowered the glass, leaving one ice cube between her teeth. She crunched down hard and blew the icy shards at my feet. "I said 'Cheers!' dumbass! Mwuahahaha!...Я хотел бы вернуться в мой дом в мать!!!!"

"Coco, what the hell was that? How are you speaking Russian right now?"

She wrapped a scarf around her head. "It's my language! And I said I want to return to my home in Mother Russia!"

I took the cap off the Stoli and took a drink. "You know you're from Ohio, baby girl. We've been over it a hundred times."

She huffed. "Putin called. He said you're an idiot." 

I nuzzled Coco's nose. "Oh! Looks who's speaking English again!"

"...Мудак." (asshole)

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Computer Geek Out

Coco and I sat around enjoying some sangria this evening, when we started talking about her younger years. 

She looked up at me with wine-stained lips, "Remember that time I got hired by Steve Jobs to work on a project for Apple?"

I topped off her glass, "No. I cannot say that I remember that, Coco."

"Sure you do, dumbo!" she laughed "I got fired because I pissed on all the keyboards when the techies went to lunch. I short circuited the main frame and Jobs lost everything." She fell over on the couch cushion, rolling around and laughing.

"Coco, perhaps you are referring to the time when I took you to the Apple store so I could look at iPads. You somehow managed to stomp out the glass on all the model phone screens and ripped off the F and U keys on all the keyboards."

She threw her orange peels behind the couch. "That's now how I remember it."

I took a swig. "Yeah, well that little excursion cost me $1,800 in damages. Plus, you were only two at the time, so I don't think anyone would have hired you to do anything."

She put her paw on my leg. "You are a miserable, miserable idiot." 

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

The Bunny and the Brit

"Blacking in and out in a strange flat in East London..."

I sat on the couch next to Coco. "Girly, are you singing what I think you're singing?"

She shotgunned a beer and threw the can over the coffee table onto a pile of crushed aluminum. "I'm getting ready for the Frank Turner concert tonight at 9:30 Club, get off my back."

I began gathering the cans into a trash bag, "No Coco, Renata and I are going to the show tonight, you have to stay here." 

She spit in my general direction, but missed. "Screw that. I'm going. He speaks to me! I've written the lyrics to Recovery in my notebook over and over again in preparation."

I sat on the couch. "Coco, that song isn't just about being a booze bunny like you. Haven't you listened to the whole album?"

She eyed me up. "Yeah, I've that sexaaay British accent! Ow ow!!"

"Cokes, you are hammered. Again. I think you should take the night off. I'll play you Frank Turner songs tonight before we leave."

She mumbled under her breath. "I'm going...back stage. And if you try to stop me I will"

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Freak on a Leash

Coco is getting a little chubby (her words, not mine) so we've decided to start exercising together. 

She was really excited to get started. "I want access to a mini elliptical, 1lb free weights, and an extra large binder clip."

I suited her up in her leash and harness. "Let's take baby steps, Coco. ...What's the binder clip for?"

Her mood began to change. "It's my version of the Thigh Master...what do you think you're doing with this leash? You know how I feel about this."

"Coco, before we get into free weights and machines, I thought we could just go for a nice walk." I put her down in the hall.

She stomped her foot. "Yeah well I'm not going to let you parade me around like some show pony, freak. Let's get a pizza."

I guess working out will have to wait.

Monday, June 2, 2014

Bunny of Love

This morning, Coco told me she once had a love affair with a married man. She wasn't proud of it, but she also couldn't stop herself. 

"I was the other woman." Coco said as she took a tequila shot. "But he told me he was going to leave his tramp of a wife."

My mouth fell open. "Coco, what?! Also, tequila for breakfast? Shouldn't you at least wait until noon?"

She poured a little salt on her paw, licked it and took another shot. "I moved across the state into a shitty apartment in his boring-ass town. I quit my job at the factory and started waiting tables at Denny's. He said to give him 3 months, and it would all be done. He promised me the world."

I was still in shock. "I think you've lost your mind, Cokes."

"But he lied. He stayed with her and their stupid kids." She took another shot.

I picked her up and kissed her. "Well I love you little fluffy, and I will never lie to you."

She licked my cheek. "First of all, he had lips like satin pillows and smelled like the rain. Second of all, put me down and don't touch me."

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Power of the Mind

Coco stood on my bed today and did not move for a full hour. It was like she was catatonic or hypnotized. I petted her velvet ears, but she did not flinch. I called her name, still nothing. I could see she was breathing and her eyes were open, so I sat patiently and waited. 

At the end of the hour, she finally came to and cried, "Damn it... Ugh! DAMN IT!"

I tapped her nose, "Woah woah woah! Calm down little one. Are you ok?"

She sighed, "I've been meditating and practicing telekinesis. I began with small things at first. I moved one of my poops a full inch with my mind. From there, I graduated up to a baby carrot, as I was just too lazy to get up to eat it. It rolled to me. I have the power."

"Wow! I can't believe it Coco! That's so incredible. Your talents never cease to amaze me." I kissed her. "But why the grouchy outcry?"

She frowned. "I was trying to make that book shelf fall on top of you. And nothing happened."