I brought Coco her food this morning and went for a bike ride. When I returned home a few hours later, I went to give her kisses and saw that she had not eaten any of her breakfast.
I threw my purse on the floor and went over to her. "Baby girl! Why haven't you eaten anything today? You must be starving!"
Coco stood motionless, almost as if she were meditating. "This food is not for me. It's for the Celtic god, Sucellus. For he is the god of agriculture, forests and alcoholic drinks." She hiccuped.
I put a handful of hay into her cage. "How in the world do you know anything about Celtic gods? Are you drunk?...Wait a minute, why am I even asking?" I looked toward the floor and found two (large) empty bottles of unfiltered sake.
She hiccuped again. "You are so dumb. Now bring me some oil."
I petted her and held a carrot up to her lips. "What kind of oil, girly?"
She swatted at the carrot. "Extra virgin olive oil."
I rubbed her nose. "Oh good! Have you changed your mind? Do you want me to make you a little salad?"
"No damn it. Aren't you listening to me, jagoff? I'm leaving a damn offering for my god (hiccup). I read if you make a virgin sacrifice the gods are especially generous. So mine will be extra virgin."
I picked Coco up from the table and nuzzled my face into her fluffy cheek. "Baby! That's not the kind of virgin they're referring to! You are just the cutest!"
She licked my cheek. "Well, I was going to kill you tonight in your sleep, but you are a whore, so this is my only option."