Friday, July 25, 2014

A Little Pick Me Up

"Do you love me?" 

"Coco, of course I do. You are the light of my life and my best friend. I would do anything for you." I said.

"How much money do you have?" Coco asked.

"Well...times are a little tight right now since the layoff," I said to Coco as I folded a pile of clean laundry. "I'm doing my best. I have some money saved, but I'm trying to be smart about spending." 

"That is very interesting. I am really proud of your level of self control." Coco said slowly and unconvincingly. "I think you and I are a lot alike," she continued. "For example. I've grown much more conservative with my alcohol consumption lately. I'm down to a bottle of booze a day, where normally I would aim higher."

"Well Coco, that is certainly good to hear. I think you have a tendency to let drinking rule your life, and let's be honest, you're 8 1/2 years old. The less booze you drink the longer we will inevitably be together, and that is just wonderful in my opinion."

"Interesting. 'Less booze.' Right. Suuuure. Terrific. So...the money. Would you say you have enough if, for instance, I ever had to go to the doctor?" Coco asked.

"Well of course! Whatever you need girly. I've got you covered...are you not feeling well? Should I call the vet and make an appointment?" 

"Actually, I've already made an appointment. I mean hey, like you said, I'm 8 1/2 years old. I'm not what you would call a 'young bun' anymore. But it's good you have that money set aside for me, because I've been considering some options to appear more youthful."

"What do you mean?" I asked skeptically. 

"What I mean is that I made an appointment to 'freshen up' if you will." Coco said matter-of-factly.

"How so and how much?" I began to sweat as I recalled that Coco has no concept of money nor common decency. "Tell me now, Coco. Or I'm pouring your vodka down the sink."

"Ok ok! I'm getting a small face lift. A minor procedure. You and I both know I can't stop drinking, so I was thinking that if I appear more youthful I will probably live at least 15-20 more years."

I shook my head. "Oh Coco. You are already perfect. Don't need to get a face lift, I love you just the way you are."

As I hugged her and rubbed my nose into her cheek, she said, "Your 401k is cashed. Just let it go. It's over."

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