And Still Champion...

"Uhmuhguh. (belch) Ughhhh."

Coco sat hunched over in the corner of her cage, moaning and groaning.

"Honey pie! What's the matter? Are you not feeling well?" I moved in closer.

"BACK. THE HELL. UP!" Coco yelled.

"Ok, ok!" I put my hands up and took a few steps back. "Just tell me what I can do to help you."

She slowly lifted her head and peered at me from behind a fallen tuft of fur. 

"I entered a drinking competition against myself last night...and I won. I drank four glasses of red wine, a whiskey on the rocks, a Tequila Sunrise, three espresso shots to recharge, and finished up the evening with a solo case race." She breathed very heavily.

"Poor baby. I think that was waaay too much alcohol for you to drink." I reached out to lower the blinds. "Maybe a nap will help you feel better." 

Coco remained still. "Didn't you hear me? I said 'I won.' This is the greatest day of my entire life. Do me a solid and empty the contents from your favorite coffee mug, and bring it to me so I can throw up in it."

Not Thinkin' Bout Tomorrow

"I've decided what I want you to get me for my 8th birthday." Coco said as she sat on my bed.

"Oh really? What's that little girl? By the way, your birthday was months ago." I reached out to grab her little paw. "But I'll do anything to make you happy."

"Good." Coco smiled. "I want a blonde weave and a tiny, black leather fedora." 

I couldn't help myself from laughing. "Wow! I did NOT expect you to say that, Cokes. May I ask why?"

She was not amused by my amusement. "I don't want an all-over weave...just around my face. And you better stop laughing right now, or I'll bite your finger off."

"Ok, ok, sorry! I can definitely find a salon that will do your weave." I said. "The black leather fedora on the other hand, well, I'll find something on Etsy."

Coco stomped her foot. "The black fedora is crucial for my look. Don't screw this up."

One hour later I had found the teeny tiny, black leather hat that Coco wanted. "Coco, we're all set. By the way...why this sudden interest in a new look anyway?"

Coco licked her lips. "I want to look like my idol. He 'drinks whiskey out the bottle' and I can't think of anything cooler than that." 

Low Down & Ugly

I held my head under the running water in the tub, scrubbing the excess dye from my scalp when I heard yelling.

"Coco is that you??"

I turned the water off and wrung out my hair, wrapping my head in a towel-type turban.

"Coco!...Can you hear me?"

Coco's wild yelling was now becoming clearer, as I discovered she was in fact singing.
That much I could definitely tell, but it was not until I stepped out of the tub, walked down the hall and opened my door, that the words made sense.

"CAAAAAAUSE, I'VE GOT FRIENDS IN LOW PLACES, WHERE THE WHISKEY DROWNS AND THE BEER CHASES MY BLUUUUUES AWAY! AND I'LL BE OK."

She was swaying back and forth, singing at the top of her lungs, with a Coronita in one paw and a rocks glass of Jack Daniels in the other.

"Coco! That's it, you're grounded! Getting plastered is one thing, but Garth Brooks??"

I reached in her cage and took the nearly empty beverages from her. "You're in time out, little girl. I don't want to hear another word outta you."

She kicked her litter across the cage. "You're as mean as a damn rattlesnake."

I turned around and shook my finger in her general direction. "Excuse me, I believe I said 'not another word.' I'll be back up here to check on you in a bit." 

Coco lowered her head. I turned again and as I closed the door, I heard her singing again quietly. I shook my head and started down the stairs.

What a Wreck

"Ok, don't be mad," Coco said when I got into my car and found her chilling on the dashboard.

"Cokes, first of all why is my 'check tire' light on? No wait. I mean first of all, why are you in my car? And second, well, third why is there a $300 ticket on the drivers seat and a knife in the cup holder?"

Her eyes were glassed over and the car reeked of tequila. Two empty Patron bottles were laying on the floor mats.

"I needed to get out of the house for a while, so I took our car to the liquor store. But then I kinda lost control and sort of hit a parked cop car."

I gently squeezed each of her paws to make sure there was no damage. Thankfully she was fine. 

"Well, I'm glad you're not injured, baby girl. But that still doesn't explain the tire situation."

She burped and stretched her paws out onto the steering wheel. "Luckily I had the windows down, so when Officer Dumbo got out of his car, I hopped out through the passenger side and slashed the front tire with this knife I found. You know, to throw him off my scent."

"Coco. How could you think that would help anything? You just destroyed my car."

"Our car." Her eyes began to close.

"No girl, my car." I scooped her up and wrapped her in her towel. "I hope you know that you're going to have to pay me back for this, Coco." I pulled another ticket for the tow truck out from behind my windshield wiper. "For all of this."

She nuzzled up to me and licked under my chin. "Not a chance."

They Do Exist

"They're sending me messages...from up there."

Coco sat on my bed looking quite frazzled with a lime stuffed alien lying at her paws.

"Coco!" I said "Look at you! You're fur is standing on end! Did something bad happen to you?"

She refused to look away from the open window--a glass portal to the night sky.

"They tell me to do things," Coco said.

"What kinda things, baby girl?

"Earlier today, they told me to lick the electrical outlet. Yes, I was drunk, and perhaps they told me something different altogether...but I did it anyway. And it felt like hell."

I booped her nose. "Coco! That is awful! Please don't do that again, you got zapped! No wonder your fur looks so silly."

She continued to stare. "Then they told me to drink a fifth of whiskey...and throw all of your underwear into the neighbor's yard. So I did that too."

I opened my top drawer. It was empty. I sighed. "I'm afraid to see what they ask you to do next..."

"You certainly should be," Coco said. "You're going to wish you were never born."

Laundry Day

My landlord finally replaced our old washing machine today. Yes! Victory! After a week and a half of not having one, I was excited to work down the piles of worn items. 

I carried two armfuls of blankets and towels out of the dryer and started folding. Everything smelled so nice! I put the towels away in the closet and came back to find Coco nestled into my warm, clean bedspread. 

"Well hello my sunshine! I bet that feels nice and cozy. I'm not sure how you got up there but thank you for saying hello." I bent down, rubbed the warm cloth against her cheeks and gave her a big Eskimo kiss.

She sat, unaffected. "It smells ok, I guess. Can we go to the movies later? I'm in the mood for popcorn, and that Channing Tatum guy is h.o.t."

I sighed. "Well Cokes, I'm going to have to find a place in Maryland. I'll do my best but it is your fault we've been banned from every movie theater in DC and Virginia."

She snapped back. "Hey! You know I don't go to the movies without my flask. And so what if I have a tendency to piss all over the seats. I didn't want to miss any of the good parts!"

"Yeah, but Coco...remember when you stole the usher's mini flashlight and bopped a small child over the head with it?"

"He wouldn't shut up. Plus, his laughter annoyed me."

"And the time you snuck into the projection room and made obscene paw puppets?"

"That movie sucked. I made it better."

"AND the time you bit that woman's neck during the vampire movie? I'm still paying for her hospital bills."

"I wanted to create a sense of realism," Coco said. "But yeah, I remember those times. Can't a girl enjoy herself at the damn cinema? Everyone just over reacted. I'll try to be better this time, but no guarantees."

"Ok, baby. I believe you. I'll call the AMC theater in Baltimore and find times for 22 Jump Street. I love you my little puffy."

She closed her eyes very tightly and shook her shoulders. A few moments later she opened her eyes and sighed. "Sounds good to me as long as you buy me a jumbo popcorn with extra butter. Also, you're gonna wanna wash this again. I have diarrhea."

Paranoid Android

"Tell me...is it just a dream?"

I sipped my morning coffee and popped a bookmark in my novel. "Is what just a dream, girly?" I leaned over and rubbed her velvet ear.

Last week, I purchased a pack of wheatgrass seeds from a nearby nursery. I read that the plant is not only very nutritious for humans, but also for bunnies. 

I repeated myself, "Coco, is what just a dream? You seem like you're on edge."

She looked around nervously, "I think the feds are onto me. They know I'm growing grass, and I can't get this song out of my head."

"Baby girl, the feds? It's wheatgrass, it's not illegal. Are you thinking of weed/grass?"

She chewed down a few blades. "Whatever. I think it's all the same. Plus, I'm high as hell."

I laughed. "Coco, I don't think you're high. You're probably just drunk, as usual."

"Oh yeah, I forgot. I'm hammered."