Bowled Over

I got home especially late this evening and heard Coco moaning very loudly upstairs. I grabbed a handful of parsley and ran up to her. When I entered my room, I found Coco lying in her cage, sandwiched between the wall and her empty food dish. 

"What's wrong girl?" I reached in to pet her head.

"I'm stuck."

"How long have you been stuck, my little fluff?"

She laid there motionless, "My entire life."

"Oh, come on, don't be so dramatic...wait, what's that smell ...peach schnapps?" 

"I was thirsty."

"Ok," I said "that's pretty typical, but why do you think you're stuck?"

"This bowl got the best of me. Been here for hours, maybe even days."

I reached in and gently nudged the bowl to her right. 

"See Cokes, you weren't trapped, you--" I stopped mid sentence.

She was already passed out.

Coco, That Was a Haiku

I stare at my poop

It just sits there like nothing

We are so alike

Roseanne

On quiet afternoons together, Coco and I love to watch Roseanne. Sometimes we get into heated discussions about which episode is best, whether or not it was smart to cut George Clooney from the cast, and which one of us more strongly wants to kick DJ's ass. But no matter how much we argue, Coco has a short list of non-negotiables that I truly cannot deny.

- Aunt Jackie is the most underrated character in television history.

- Darleen is a personal hero, because she is dark and moody just like me.

- Old Becky may be a whiny freak with a bowl cut, but *new Becky* is a turd.

- No man is more man than Dan Conner.

Dear Diary

*I found Coco's very tiny diary. It's about 2x1 inches and full of very angry sentiments.*

Dear Diary,

My life sucks. This morning I realized I'm out of Michelob Ultras. On top of that, I only have one "friend" and he is a cat who I hate. He bites my ass, and I kick his. When will this misery end?

Yours,

Coco

Strike a Pose

On Friday, I walked in on Coco suggestively posing for pictures. A man I'd never seen before was behind the camera, cooing her compliments. 

I freaked out. "Who the hell are you!? Get out of my house immediately!"

He said, "Hey lady, I'm getting paid by the hour, here. I got about 15 minutes left."

"GET! OUT!"

Coco turned her head slowly and glared at me. "He told me he could make me famous ...like that lady on the TV."

"Girly, he's just some creep trying to take advantage of you...wait, what lady on the TV?"

"Ellen...Anyway don't worry, I stole his wallet."

Halloween Ideas

Coco and I both get really excited about Halloween. We like to get our costumes started well in advance, so I suggested we begin brainstorming. Coco had some interesting ideas for her costume this year.

1. A steak burrito 

2. A shipping tube

3. A Ninja Turtle (namely, Raphael because he has a bad attitude)

4. The obvious choice

I told her it was a good start.

Oh, The Possibilities

This morning, I awoke to Coco in the middle of an acid flashback. Apparently the desert picture I hung above her cage was "disturbing" to her and she screamed, "Wait! We can't stop here...this is bat country."

After I settled her down (and after a dozen or so Michelob Ultras) Coco slipped into one of her "talkative" moods. Coco admitted that's she's always felt unfulfilled with her life. 

"I think I wanna pursue my dreams."

"Oh yeah girl, what do you wanna do?"

"I don't know...I've always wanted to sell ladies shoes. I think I'd be good at that."